


Understanding Love

by BlackRose2016



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Erik being sentimental, FTLGBTales I Take Pride In What I Am 2020, Gen, M/M, Mushy Thoughts, Stream of Consciousness, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, Understanding how much your friends mean to you, assessing trauma, demisexual!Cobra, family by choice, jerik
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24501511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackRose2016/pseuds/BlackRose2016
Summary: Erik takes a minute to understand the different kinds of love in his life, and how that affects his view of those closest to him.
Relationships: Cobra | Erik/Jellal Fernandes, Cubellios | Kinana/Laki Olietta (mentioned)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8
Collections: I Take Pride in What I Am 2020





	Understanding Love

**Author's Note:**

> Holy shit I am so proud of how this turned out. Happy Pride everyone! I am going to participate in the FTLGBTales 'I Take Pride In What I Am 2020'. I will not be doing every prompt, but I am going to be doing about 10? I wanna focus on many ships and expand my horizons as a writer. 
> 
> As always, I would love to get some feedback from you guys!
> 
> Day One Prompt: Love

Love. 

It’s an odd word for someone like me to use. I used to think of it as a weakness, something that would get me killed. Looking back, I know I was so fucking wrong. Cliche, I know. If Jellal or anyone else heard my thoughts right now they’d be wondering if I was okay, asking if I was either dying or a clone. I don’t know why I am writing these thoughts down. I don’t need to, but… I want to.

I remember in the Tower how love wasn’t really something you could find. You had people you trusted, but at the end of the day you were just doing your best to survive. If any of the guards saw you being all affectionate and shit, they’d beat you, possibly even kill you. It was safer just to be alone, if possible. But what the fuck else is a kid gonna do? Kids aren’t built to survive alone. They need those connections. I only realized this years later and have a moment to look back. In that hellhole, I found the four people I’d trust with my life. My… my family.

Being under Brain’s control was probably worse than being in the Tower. At least in the Tower, we could sometimes use our emotions. With Brain, we were constantly being watched and monitored to make sure we were the ‘perfect little soldiers’. We couldn’t be friends, even though we all secretly agreed that we were going to all stick together. Ride or die, as some say. As a whole, the five of us agreed that at least with Brain, we could go outside and do shit. We weren’t truly free though, and that killed us inside. We traded one prison for another. Over time we… We became a family. A messed up family, but a family.

Jail was a weird time in my life. Seven years of silence. I couldn’t hear people’s thoughts while in that damn cell. That meant I could hear my own thoughts for once. I also was given a choice I never really thought I’d have to make. I could easily have made a deal with the Council for the information I had about dark guilds and get my freedom, leaving the rest of the Oracion Seis members behind, but I didn’t. It didn’t… it didn’t feel right to do that, oddly enough. We’d been through hell together. They knew me, and I knew them. We… We were a family. And I wasn’t about to leave my family behind. I could tell Lahar and Doronbolt were confused by my decision to remain loyal to them. As a ‘bad guy’, it didn’t make sense to them that I was so determined to keep them with me, but I wasn’t about to waste my breath explaining it to them. That’s also why I went back with them peacefully after helping with all that shit in Crocus with those dragons. I wasn’t about to jeopardize them.

The moment we got out of jail, the five of us knew we needed to get rid of Brain. He was dead weight to us. A cancerous tumor. I remember hearing Midnight’s thoughts at that moment: ‘I trust you Erik. Do it. Kill him.’ And I did. It felt fantastic to finally be rid of Brain, but now we had to face a new threat: Jellal and Meredy. I didn’t really understand why he offered us the chance of redemption, a spot in his little guild (literally 2 members at that point). None of us did, other than Richard. He said it was the love in Jellal’s heart that made him give us the option of finding redemption for all the shit we did, we just didn’t want to acknowledge the emotion we didn’t really understand. In the end we decided to join him, none of us wanting to split away from those we had known all our lives.

Midnight, formally Macbeth before they got their name legally changed, has always been the one to go to when you wanted some goddamn peace and quiet. They didn’t say much, and not a lot was ever really needed to be said. It was comforting. They also know where to buy the best pillow and blankets, and though none of us will admit it, they are the best person to cuddle. Sawyer is who we went to for a good laugh. No matter what was going on, Sawyer would have something goofy to say to lighten the mood. You have no idea how nice that is when you work in a dark guild for so long, or are in jail. Richard was good to go to for advice. He was always there to listen to whatever the fuck was bugging you and offer whatever advice he could and support you. I know, that sounds weird when in a dark guild, but fuck you, it’s how we worked. Finally we got Sorano, a grade A bitch who means well. Whenever we wanted to be realistic, we looked at Sorano. She never sugarcoated anything she told you, and she still doesn’t to this day, not even to her sister. She only ever lies to herself, which is kind of weird, but I also get why. Trauma is funny like that. They… they’re my family. Dysfunctional as all hell, but a family nonetheless, and, as I proved to Lahar and Doronbolt, I wasn’t fucking trading them for anything. I… I loved them. And they loved me.

After joining Jellal and being pardoned by the Queen, I was able to get to know the other dragon slayers. They aren’t a bad group, but I am not quite used to how… loud they are, but they have been very accepting of me, which is also confusing. Sorano says that I’m making friends, like a “normal” person. She isn’t wrong, but arguing with her is more fun. When we were fighting Acnologia in that weird between time place thing, the other slayers trusted me 100% not to dick them over, which was both nice and weird. They only knew Cobra. They are slowly getting to know Erik. And slowly, I am becoming more and more okay with them knowing Erik. Natsu and Sting are very… friendly and full of energy. Not a bad thing, but not always a good thing. I’m not used to it yet, and so I can only take it in small doses, but I don’t mind it. They are helping me learn to be a better person. Gajeel is quieter, unless he starts singing. Then I want to punch him. Just... no. Laxus is also quiet, but his mind is a mess that was like ours once, but is much farther along in the healing process. Rogue is a different kind of mess and ball of anxiety, but is a good guy with good intentions. He and Sting really work well together. Hearing they were a couple shocked exactly zero people. Wendy is... both pure but also mature. She’s young, not counting the 400 year bullshit jump thing I don’t fully understand. Being around her sometimes makes me... envious. And that isn’t fair to her. She didn’t do anything wrong. She just... she reminds me of the innocence I lost some days. All in all, I don’t mind the other slayers, and am glad to be their friend. One day, I can see myself loving them as family like I do the other former Oracion Seis members. It is just gonna be a long wait for them. They’re patient, though. And persistent. 

Kinana. She is a very special person to me. At one point, I thought I was in love with her, and she thought she was in love with me. She was the first person to be my friend, although she was in a snake form, and I was hers. That bond means a lot to me. I trusted her with my deepest fears when everything was going to shit in the Tower and when working for Brain. Things I didn’t want to burden Sorano, Richard, Midnight, or Sawyer with. My wish was to hear her voice. We tried dating for a bit, and at first it felt right. We were each other’s most special person. Over time, though, it began feeling... awkward. For the both of us. We decided to end things shortly after that. I know she is much happier in her relationship with that one Fairy mage. Laki, I believe. Nice girl, if not a little weird. I’m glad she is happy. We have been through a lot of shit together. She deserves it. I love her like a sister, I realized when we stopped dating. I don’t regret trying a relationship with her. You live and learn. 

Thinking about relationships makes me think of one more person: my boyfriend, Jellal. Plot twist, right? I didn’t even really see it coming. I never really... thought that love was for me. Or that I deserved it. I figured I’d die alone. I didn’t even mind that thought. Then again, I never thought I’d still be alive right now. Or free. Jellal is so patient with me, as new to this as I am. Dating him is nothing like what dating Kinana was like, and that is a good thing, cause I am not looking to date someone like Kina. Jellal is quiet and thoughtful with his actions. He is very, VERY dorky. Damn nerd always got his nose in a book. Though I will never say this out loud, I really enjoy when Jellal reads out loud to me. Being in the Tower left no room for an education, and Brain was no better. I can read enough to understand mission flyers and can do basic math. We are not getting started with my handwriting. Jellal never brings these little things up, knowing that I don’t wanna address them right now. One day I will, but not now. Right now I wanna focus on the way Jellal and I lay in the backyard on a blanket, the dork going off about the different stars and astral bodies he can see in the night sky. Or when Jellal tries to make something and ultimately burns it cause neither of us can really use the stove or oven properly. Or the way Jellal smells after a shower and we are getting ready for bed. He... he smells like home. Jellal has become my home, and I... I love him for that. And he loves me. He deals with me when I get moody, or have nightmares, or inevitably fuck up cause I am still adjusting to not being an asshole 24/7. He holds me when my mind becomes too much, and I do the same for him. We are far from perfect. I fuck up the laundry and some days Jellal is too critical about our lives and we have our fights, but at the end of the day... I know I love him. And I know he loves me. He makes me feel safe. He has my back. He supports me. And I do the same for him.

I never knew how much love was going to be a huge part of my life, but I am glad I gave it a chance.


End file.
